We stayed ten hours straight working like maniacs on another project. One boy takes four hours to rewrite half a page. One of the girls abandons us for her dance class. She hasn’t done her part yet for the work due the day after. I skipped classes with Amandine to finalise it all. She was sick I hadn’t eaten for 24 hours for lack of time. And we’re running to the printing shop and the work isn’t finished and we’re running to school but the binding isn’t nicely done and we’re running to stop the teacher before he leaves… Fuck this.
I sent an e-mail on Tuesday. No answer. I sent an e-mail on Thursday. No answer. I spoke to them in class on Friday. They walked out. I sent them all text messages. No one answered. The project is due on Monday. I’m alone. Fuck them.
The weather is beautiful outside.
I meet up with friends and one of them says I complain too much about being too occupied. When I say I feel like talking now because I’m down he says we’ll see each other tomorrow? I move all the way to the ULB to see them when I should be working on projects and he’s more occupied by student songs than talking with me? I only get texts when he’s bored at babysitting? He moves all the way to Erasme but only came over and said hello in a rush when his friend was sick at St Luc? I feel like a total idiot for even thinking I meant a bit as a friend for him. Fuck that.
You shouldn’t make someone your priority when to that person you are but an option.
“So you weren’t the prettiest of the girls at the party, right?” / “I found someone who’ll take the dog for us so we don’t have the annoyance anymore.” / “So Marie, Roxane and their boyfriends will be in one car and you’re going with Sabrina, Kelly and Sabrina’s boyfriend. You got rejected to that car?” / “Bitch!” / “Please! I can’t do anything! I’m stupid! You never do anything for me! You’re so ungrateful!” / “Of course I keep repeating myself! I’m a broken record!”
I can’t always be the happy go lightly person cheering people on. Sometimes the load of your misery drags me down too. I can’t pull you up forever; you have to put in some effort too.
So many people leaving, so many people changing, so many people disappearing…
My dad left us without a dime. Nothing. Account on zero. I actually have to renounce to the inheritance of his debts. Fuck that.
The social security asks for a thousand papers and I run to get them all between school projects then they don’t come to the rendezvous and can’t receive me before yet another week. We have to pay for the bills and insurances. We’re loosing hundreds. Each. Fucking. Week.
It’s so fucking cold. I can’t sleep.
My mum can go live with her family in Malaysia but what do I do? I can’t finance myself here. Do I abandon my studies to go work? It scares me that such a thing is actually a possibility…
And I’m just a teenager! I want to be part of the groups that have formed, I want to be hanging out after classes, laughing at stupid stuff, I want to go see the people I miss on the other campuses, I want to visit family, I want to sleepover at people’s house without feeling dead tired and guilty about it when I get home.
And at times I can be a fool and irrational and damn irritating and over exaggerating but I don’t feel fucking sorry for those moments because I’m human and this is a fucking lot to handle. And I can’t take it. I’m not sorry for breaking down but I do feel sorry if you can’t understand that.
And yes, I’m writing all of this on the net. Because maybe one day I’ll look back at this and say to myself, “hey honey, you didn’t do too bad, didn’t you?”
And that day, I’ll be snuggling under some blankets on a good sofa with a mug of tea and good friends in front of a good movie in a warm house and there will be nothing else to be thinking about. That will be nice.
I sent an e-mail on Tuesday. No answer. I sent an e-mail on Thursday. No answer. I spoke to them in class on Friday. They walked out. I sent them all text messages. No one answered. The project is due on Monday. I’m alone. Fuck them.
The weather is beautiful outside.
I meet up with friends and one of them says I complain too much about being too occupied. When I say I feel like talking now because I’m down he says we’ll see each other tomorrow? I move all the way to the ULB to see them when I should be working on projects and he’s more occupied by student songs than talking with me? I only get texts when he’s bored at babysitting? He moves all the way to Erasme but only came over and said hello in a rush when his friend was sick at St Luc? I feel like a total idiot for even thinking I meant a bit as a friend for him. Fuck that.
You shouldn’t make someone your priority when to that person you are but an option.
“So you weren’t the prettiest of the girls at the party, right?” / “I found someone who’ll take the dog for us so we don’t have the annoyance anymore.” / “So Marie, Roxane and their boyfriends will be in one car and you’re going with Sabrina, Kelly and Sabrina’s boyfriend. You got rejected to that car?” / “Bitch!” / “Please! I can’t do anything! I’m stupid! You never do anything for me! You’re so ungrateful!” / “Of course I keep repeating myself! I’m a broken record!”
I can’t always be the happy go lightly person cheering people on. Sometimes the load of your misery drags me down too. I can’t pull you up forever; you have to put in some effort too.
So many people leaving, so many people changing, so many people disappearing…
My dad left us without a dime. Nothing. Account on zero. I actually have to renounce to the inheritance of his debts. Fuck that.
The social security asks for a thousand papers and I run to get them all between school projects then they don’t come to the rendezvous and can’t receive me before yet another week. We have to pay for the bills and insurances. We’re loosing hundreds. Each. Fucking. Week.
It’s so fucking cold. I can’t sleep.
My mum can go live with her family in Malaysia but what do I do? I can’t finance myself here. Do I abandon my studies to go work? It scares me that such a thing is actually a possibility…
And I’m just a teenager! I want to be part of the groups that have formed, I want to be hanging out after classes, laughing at stupid stuff, I want to go see the people I miss on the other campuses, I want to visit family, I want to sleepover at people’s house without feeling dead tired and guilty about it when I get home.
And at times I can be a fool and irrational and damn irritating and over exaggerating but I don’t feel fucking sorry for those moments because I’m human and this is a fucking lot to handle. And I can’t take it. I’m not sorry for breaking down but I do feel sorry if you can’t understand that.
And yes, I’m writing all of this on the net. Because maybe one day I’ll look back at this and say to myself, “hey honey, you didn’t do too bad, didn’t you?”
And that day, I’ll be snuggling under some blankets on a good sofa with a mug of tea and good friends in front of a good movie in a warm house and there will be nothing else to be thinking about. That will be nice.
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